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Archive for the month “July, 2014”

The Room

The only thing I hear is my own breathing and the soft noise caused by my hands covering my ears, the sound of blood rushing through my veins. My chest moves up and down at every breath I take. It calms me down. The only thing I see are the dark insides of my eyelids. There’s no light on the outside. Everything surrounding me is dark. I can’t hear anything but myself. I can’t see anything but myself. I can’t even smell or feel anything else but me asides from the cold hard floor and the thick walls of this room. I’m sitting in a small dark room, my room. There are no doors and no windows. The room belongs to no one, only to me. No one else ever came inside and I have never left it. I don’t remember what it looks like outside before I came here, before I made this room for myself. It’s not bad in here, really. Nothing really happens, but that’s ok. Inside nothing can hurt me. Inside of this room it all feels ok. Not good not bad, just ok.

I don’t know what, but something inside me moves me to take my hands away from my ears, so I try. I slowly lift my hands a little and in an instant it all changes. Before I know it I put my hands back. I have to face it. The world is a lot bigger when it’s not just me listening to my own background noise. I take a few deep breaths. One more try. I lift my hands from my ears. I can’t hear my breath as clearly anymore. I can’t hear my blood rushing. I can’t hide inside as much. Wait. Hide? What am I hiding from? I’m in the room. My room. Nothing else can come in. As long as I’m here I’m safe. I don’t really know what’s outside, but something tells me it’s not safe. But here, in here where it’s only me and my thoughts I’m safe. I quickly brush by my cheeks to brush away the tears that haven’t dried up yet. If it’s safe, than why am I closing my eyes? This is my room. Why can’t I just look at it? So I open my eyes.  I see a wall. That’s all. Suddenly I’m afraid. My hands start trembling, my legs start shaking. I feel trapped. No doors, no windows. Just a wall. My thoughts burst out and run wild. Something inside my head is screaming to break free. Everything scrambles up. Suddenly the room isn’t empty anymore. The walls come closer and I feel threatened. My room, my safe haven is filled up with questions. Why did I move my hands, why did I open my eyes, why was I crying, why is it dark? All the questions push up to me to for one big threatening question. One I don’t want to hear. One I don’t want to answer.

Why am I here?

As I stand next to a wall I can feel how rock solid it is. Thick cement that was never meant to break down. Why am I here? Who made this room and why am I in it? Is this where I should be right now? What’s outside? Tears are running down my face. I’m panicking. I’m banging my hands against the wall knowing it has no effect. I’m pushing a single thought away as hard as I can, but I can’t avoid it getting more prominent inside of my mind. I wish I had a door.

I sink down to my knees, still shaking. Still confused. I lift my hands up to my ears and I nearly close my eyes again. One last glance and there I see it. It’s a door. It’s not obvious, it’s just as black as the walls around me. I stare for a while, amazed, confused. I stand up. My knees are still shaking, but I take a step. One step in the wrong direction. As I look at the door I become certain of one thing. I’m not ready to open it. Another step back. I can’t. I just can’t go outside yet, it’s too much. Two more steps. It’s too late for me. I know that I’m not gonna walk up there. If I could I would, but the truth is simple. I just can’t.  My back hits a wall and I realise I can’t go back any more. I close my eyes and I sit down again. Reality is different from when I was first sitting. I know that there’s a way out, but I decide that inside is better for me. Like I said, it’s not that bad. I can do this…

A soft knock. Heh, I must have imagined that. There’s no way… Again. Louder this time. What’s out there? A third time. I open my eyes again and I find myself looking straight at the door. I know it’s coming from there. I know that I’ll have to look. Another knock. I have to. I don’t know how I can gather up the strength, but I do. I stand up and I walk to the door. I stop in front of it. I’m so close and I don’t even know how I got so far, but that’s it. I know I can’t do it alone and I know that there’s no one inside to help me. This is the closest I’m going to get. The knocking changes. By now it’s more of a bang that’s gradually getting louder. Whoever it is, the door won’t open like that. This is my room, no one else can open it. I lift my hand towards the handle. I grab the handle. It’s cold. Of course it is. It’s room temperature. I breathe in, I breathe out. Am I really going to do this? One more bang. If the banging stops, can I ever do it again? Is it now or never? Do I want to find out? I open the door. The walls crumble.

I’m in a bed. I’m breathing through a tube. A constant beep is telling me that I’m alive. Two arms surround me. The person is shaking and his voice is broken. His eyes are wet with tears. He’s barely able to pronounce his words, but I clearly hear what he says. “Oh my god. Thank God you’re ok. Thank God.”

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This story is kinda about someone that’s in a coma and is struggling to find a way out. This person doesn’t know what’s outside, but figures that maybe staying inside is even harder. But this story is not only about a person in a coma, but also for someone who’s stuck behind the walls that he or she created, maybe without even realizing. With a lot of effort this person finally gets to a door to get out, but that last step is just too hard. In the end the only thing it really took was a knock and a small opening to make the walls crumble. So if you’re the person in the room, try and open the door. If you know the person in the room, just try and knock. There’s always gonna be someone out there, now or in the future that’s happy that you did it :). Idealism right there xD.   

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Happy tears :)

Just a random picture of me and the kids 🙂

I got a call Saturday. I recently accidentally deleted all my numbers, so I really had no idea who it was. I pick up the phone and answer in Dutch, obviously. Silence… Something happens on the other end. Some rustling, some vague voices and lots of noise. I’m confused so I’m nearly hanging up the phone, but I’m too curious to actually hang up. Thank God that I didn’t hang up… A few seconds later I hear I kids voice saying “Auntie Samantha”. I cry.

I talked to my kids about random things. How are they doing, how is school, how are the new volunteers, did you make more friends, etc. I talked to grandma about how much I miss it there and how I can’t wait to go back. The phone was passed around to lots of kids and I could just see them crowding around it waiting for their turn. Once they got the phone it was all kinda the same. “Auntie Samantha, I’m fine, how are you? I miss you, I love you, when are you coming back?” Same same, but different. I was so happy that I got to hear their voices and to tell them I love them over and over again. I was so so happy to hear them say Auntie Samantha. I made all the kids cry when they heard my voice. It makes me happy and sad to hear that they miss me so much. I’m happy that they think about me as much as I think about them, but I don’t want my kids to cry for me. I’m not sure if the kids could hear my thick voice and my sniffing on the other side but I’m sure that Elin heard it.

I’ve been back at home for a month now. I guess people are gonna start expecting me to forget about Ghana a little and just continue with my life. That being said, I still really miss it there. I still want to put on mosquito repellent when it gets dark. I still feel bad when someone hands me something with their left hand. I still feel weird drinking tap water and even when I’m throwing the toilet paper IN the toilet. It still takes me a while to realize when I wake up in the morning that I’m not gonna see my kids in an hour or so. Maybe I am extremely slow in readjusting. Maybe it’s because I really don’t want to readjust and I want to keep living a dream forever.

One thing that I really started realizing though is that going to Ghana really wasn’t a one time thing for me. Instead of thinking, I wish I had stayed longer or I wish I’d done that little thing more often, blablabla. Now I’m starting to think along the lines of, ooh, next time I go to Ghana I have to do this! This trip sounds fun, I’ll do that next time! This little thing sounds awesome, I’ll get that for the kids before I go back! Of course I’m still gonna be that over emotional person that cries when I hear the words Auntie Samantha, but at least I can handle that right now. Happy tears guys, happy tears.

If life is a circle

cicle

If life is a circle, we should keep walking on.

If we meet at the start and if we said our goodbyes,

If we keep walking ahead as our ways spread out more,

If we notice what happens, that life will go on.

At that point we’ll persist, we’ll keep walking, we’ll keep pushing on.

We’ll be walking so long that we lose sight of what’s real and what seems like a dream.

But as we are living,

Good times and bad times,

Laughing and crying,

Our ways will come closer and closer each day.

When we meet in the middle, can we hit ‘pause’ on our lives?

Can we stop walking, can we stand still?

Just for a little bit?

Let’s take a minute to recharge before we continue,

Before we spread out to come closer again.

‘Cause if life is a circle, whether it’s short or it’s long,

We’ll keep meeting in the middle, if we keep walking on.

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Just a little bit straight from the heart 🙂 

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